By Amia Phillips, MA, P-LPC, P-CST, Reiki
Have you ever been caught in a situation where someone asked you what you like in bed, what is your hottest desire/fantasy, and you couldn't answer? Have you ever wished you were more sexually confident and expressive? If so, then you're in the right place! Finding your sexual voice can be a daunting task, but it doesn't have to be. As a sex therapist, I want to explore with you what it means to find your sexual voice and how to get there. So grab a coffee, sit back, and let's dive in!
What is a sexual voice?
Your sexual voice is the way you express your desires, fantasies, and boundaries in your sexual life. It's a fundamental part of your sexual identity and can shape how you approach and enjoy sexual experiences. Having a clear and confident sexual voice can enhance intimacy, strengthen relationships, and improve overall sexual satisfaction. However, finding the language and courage to express your sexual voice can be complicated.
What stands in the way of finding our sexual voice?
Many things can interfere with our sexual voice. Societal norms, taboos, and stigma can create shame and embarrassment around talking about sex. Growing up in a sex-negative environment or experiencing sexual trauma can make it hard to feel comfortable with one's sexuality. Additionally, we might not always have the words to explain what we want, making it difficult to communicate our desires to others. Recognizing these barriers is the first step in finding our sexual voice.
How can we explore our sexual interests?
One of the keys to finding your sexual voice is exploring your interests, curiosities, and desires. Here are some ways to start exploring:
Self-exploration - take time to explore your body and learn what feels good to you. Masturbation is an excellent tool for learning what brings you pleasure and what you might want to try with a partner. If you're not ready for that, start by trying an exercise called Mirror Love Gazing while being naked. Get in the habit of fully loving every inch of your body and touching your erogenous spots on your body. You can envision a fantasy or a person (or character) or your partner(s) while doing this. This is where your wildest dreams come forth.
Reading - there are endless books, articles, and blogs that explore all aspects of sex. Reading can be an excellent way to learn about different sexual experiences and find the language to express your desires.
Experimenting with a partner - trying new things with your partner can be a fun and safe way to explore your sexuality together. Communication is essential here- make sure you're communicating your boundaries and desires clearly.
How can we communicate our sexual voice?
Once you've explored your sexuality and know what you want, the next step is communicating it to others. This step can feel uncomfortable and awkward, but with practice, it becomes more natural. Here are some tips to help you communicate your sexual voice:
Start small – begin by expressing small things you enjoy or like in bed (or out of the bed). It may feel less intimidating and give you and your partner an idea of what you might be interested in.
Use "I" statements - using "I" statements takes the focus off your partner and helps avoid implying that they are doing something wrong. For example, say, "I enjoy it when you touch me here," instead of "You never touch me where I like."
Practice active listening - communication is a two-way street. Make sure you're actively listening to your partner's desires and needs as well. It shows that you're invested in a mutual sexual connection.
Finding your sexual voice is an ongoing process that requires patience, self-exploration, and communication with partners. Remember, exploring and expressing your sexuality is something personal, so go at your pace, and without any pressures. Your sexuality is as unique as you, and it should be celebrated. I hope this blog post has given you some helpful tools to venture on your journey to finding your sexual voice. Remember to always practice safe sex and have fun exploring your sexual identity!