A client of mine has recently become pregnant. As she was seeking new day cares for the small developing embryo, she came across something I found absolutely fascinating. She questioned a day care about their punishment policies. Say a child doesn’t want to share a toy, how do they react? The day care responded puzzled…. “What do you mean?”, they questioned. The day care continued, “If a child does not want to share the toy they are playing with, we believe that child has a right to say no.”
My mind SPIRALED! This day care has the concept of “saying no” better than most adult humans on this planet.
I work with a lot of humans that struggle with the essence of saying no. With battling thoughts like, “if I say no, something bad will happen, they won’t like me, they won’t accept me, they will think I’m selfish, they will (Fill in your fear.)
We usually chalk this up to “people pleasers”. And sure, we could label it that, but it could also be a trauma response (if I don’t do what I’m told, I will not be loved), it could be a sign of codependent behavior, it could be a sign of low esteem, lack of boundaries, etc.
Saying No, is an essential right to every human. We are allowed to say no to anything! Anything can include, taking too much of our time, asking too big of us, showing up when we don’t have the capacity to hold another, doing things that make us feel uncomfortable (and not in a growth kind of way), doing things when they go against our own boundaries, morals, and values.
The first thing we need to assess is the WHY? Why do we struggle with saying no? Who taught you that you always had to appease requests?
Then, once we heal that false belief, we can allow ourselves to say no. We can allow ourselves to NOT SHARE OUR TOYS. What this teaches these children is that it’s okay to say no. And it teaches the other child that they cannot always get what they desire the moment they ask for it! (Hello and goodbye to immediate gratification!)
All in all, this teaches both parties how to say no, how to accept a no, how to set boundaries, and how to look deep inside of their own needs and wants in a moment where they feel it’s going against that intuitive voice.
So, ALLOW YOURSELF TO NOT SHARE your toys, to say NO, and to set your boundaries. If you want to share, well then let it be YOUR choice out of your own mind, not out trying to please someone else or to gain love. Because YOU are already whole and Devine. And someone who truly loves you, will learn to respect your boundaries.